I need there to be some kind of forces outside of me to hold back this constant rush towards finished results. I’ve come to realize that I’m often working for the applause, working for the gratification I will get after passing the finish line.
This goes for every aspect of my life. Work, relationships, you name it.
Example: the second day I meet a guy that I really like I start seeing visions of our beautiful loving life together. Our future. His hand upon my pregnant belly. (I don’t even think I want a child, so this is of course entirely to blame on my darned hormones) I see us sitting on that porch of our little house, in that hamock, looking out upon the sun setting in the water down by the cliffs. A cup of tea in my hand. His shoulder against mine. Rocking slowly back and forth, as we drag deep breaths of fresh country air. Silently looking at eachother with a soft familliar smile…
I’m such a dreamer sometimes. Sorry for that little debauchery.
This book writing/comic-creating is thus a real challenge for me.
I see myself so clearly with the finished book in my hand. I see myself doing interviews and signings, see myself selling it to all kinds of places. Talking about myself and my art, planning for the next big project, working on book number two, and trying out new processes on book number three. I’m enjoying the now, don’t get me wrong, it’s just that imagining the future comes very easily for me.
So to get there as quickly as possible I consider my self to be finished as soon as the first draft is written.
“Temper while the iron is hot”, as the old saying goes.
And the iron is hot right now. The fire in me is rrraging, my eyes burn with desire for everything. The hunger is awake.
But this is also the dangerous phase before I crash.
So the other night I attended a party where I had a very giving talk with K. He said that there could be time for slowing down. That taking a break from work is okay. That there is sometimes in an artists life a time for just taking long walks and watching all of your favourite movies for a month.
That this would not be considered a failure upon my part, but more a needed break from pushing too hard, pushing almost to the breaking point. And I don’t think I want to break just yet. I’ve been there before, you know… Broken down that is. And I’m just so much more together now, since I picked up all of those pieces of me and put them back together again.
So what I will do now is to shift focus for a while.
I can see a future for me and BoB, where I’d write some kind of a Frida-column for every issue… It would probably become the most popular part of the whole magazine. (ego fixation) I would write in that personal and insightful way, that I master so well, about comics and art and life… (did you notice the fast forward tendency there..? hehe, I just can’t help myself now, can I…)
And I will draw or paint for the joy of it without thinking of results. If K says it’s okay, then I can heed that advice, ’cause he’s got wisdom and truth in his eyes.
My roomie L and mr T made a painting a couple of days ago.
That painting is upsetting me.
I try not to think about it.
If I think about it I get like nervous or something.
It’s just too good.
It has everything that I love in art. Stuff poking out of it that you can pull at to make other places move… and a really beautiful quote, about friendship gone lost… and the colours… and the motiffs… JesustttfcknChrist.
It’s too much to have been created here! in this ordinary apartement, where I live and brush my teath!
And to think it was created by two close friends of mine?
It’s just… humbling.
I don’t even know how to relate to them right now. I do have a crazy fan-girl side to me, but it would be weird to let it out in front of them. But I can’t shake this feeling…this feeling that I’m hanging out with the new Frida y Diego. (mr T is cuter than Diego though)
Another rewrite! Had a meeting with Stina today and had her read the new ending for the book.
She was not impressed. She was still wondering what the book was about. I sat down in my studio with a somewhat hollow and uncertain feeling in my cheast.
Stina came after me, said that she felt uncertain about how to advice me. I understand her. We needed to bring in a third party into our relationship. (I’m the guy at the left…)
So come Thursday I shall have Josefine Svenske read it when she’s here at Comic art school (as a substitute teacher for Gunnar Krantz, who is currently bone broken and lying at home watching bad films and eating heaps of licorice (I do not know this for a fact, it is only a suspicion of mine)).
Anyway the meeting with Stina did inspire me to rewrite it agian, so now it’s a story about running away from your problems. It was about that before too, but now it’s more of a clear theme in the book.
This will be a magnificent masterwork! The first of many!
one finished page (you saw it the other day when it was half finished…)
And one almost finished page (pg 2 of the ending):
I’m planning on drawing all those little dots on the ground in the last panel tonight. After that I can let myself go home. Tomorrow is 24-hour comic-day at Comic Art School. I’ll probably be here working on my book.
Funny thing about this page: Nina looks like Quagmyer in the fourth panel… hähähä… the sillyness.
This was one of the stranger sites… I have no idea what it says, but they clearly put my name on their site… If anyone out there speaks… russian? polish? what ever it is… you’re more than welcome to send me a translation. 🙂
And also I have had some friends ask me about the pathetic and extremely sucky film I had a role in when I was 15 years old, well, this site has a trailer for it. As you can see from the trailer, it’s a halfass atempt at a thriller.
My contribution to this production was horrible. I’m actually fake-crying! GAH! Horrible!
Just so you know, if you ever see it, I am sooo much better now! This was b-e-f-o-r-e I went to drama school.
Anyway, I like the mix of actress/ comic artist/ manic psycho fan girl -hits.
I’ve never wanted to label myself as one thing only. That’s probably got to do as much with self preservation as it has with that noble sense of freedom I wish to radiate. If I don’t title myself as anything I can’t fail at becoming it. BUT! Failure isn’t failure until you accept it as such! And I shall keep striving until my goals are achieved.