I need there to be some kind of forces outside of me to hold back this constant rush towards finished results. I’ve come to realize that I’m often working for the applause, working for the gratification I will get after passing the finish line.
This goes for every aspect of my life. Work, relationships, you name it.
Example: the second day I meet a guy that I really like I start seeing visions of our beautiful loving life together. Our future. His hand upon my pregnant belly. (I don’t even think I want a child, so this is of course entirely to blame on my darned hormones) I see us sitting on that porch of our little house, in that hamock, looking out upon the sun setting in the water down by the cliffs. A cup of tea in my hand. His shoulder against mine. Rocking slowly back and forth, as we drag deep breaths of fresh country air. Silently looking at eachother with a soft familliar smile…
I’m such a dreamer sometimes. Sorry for that little debauchery.
This book writing/comic-creating is thus a real challenge for me.
I see myself so clearly with the finished book in my hand. I see myself doing interviews and signings, see myself selling it to all kinds of places. Talking about myself and my art, planning for the next big project, working on book number two, and trying out new processes on book number three. I’m enjoying the now, don’t get me wrong, it’s just that imagining the future comes very easily for me.
So to get there as quickly as possible I consider my self to be finished as soon as the first draft is written.
“Temper while the iron is hot”, as the old saying goes.
And the iron is hot right now. The fire in me is rrraging, my eyes burn with desire for everything. The hunger is awake.
But this is also the dangerous phase before I crash.
So the other night I attended a party where I had a very giving talk with K. He said that there could be time for slowing down. That taking a break from work is okay. That there is sometimes in an artists life a time for just taking long walks and watching all of your favourite movies for a month.
That this would not be considered a failure upon my part, but more a needed break from pushing too hard, pushing almost to the breaking point. And I don’t think I want to break just yet. I’ve been there before, you know… Broken down that is. And I’m just so much more together now, since I picked up all of those pieces of me and put them back together again.
So what I will do now is to shift focus for a while.
I can see a future for me and BoB, where I’d write some kind of a Frida-column for every issue… It would probably become the most popular part of the whole magazine. (ego fixation) I would write in that personal and insightful way, that I master so well, about comics and art and life… (did you notice the fast forward tendency there..? hehe, I just can’t help myself now, can I…)
And I will draw or paint for the joy of it without thinking of results. If K says it’s okay, then I can heed that advice, ’cause he’s got wisdom and truth in his eyes.